Can professional athletes hold their liquor?

This thought came to me at 3 a.m. today, as I was lying awake in a fit of insomnia. Actually, the image to the left came to mind first, since Bears quarterback Kyle Orton stumbling around drunk in an Iowa bar is damned funny. (This photo also confirms that his sipping is as accurate as his passing). But then it got me to thinking: are any professional athletes able to hold their liquor as well as their contemporaries?

I mean, sure, a 300-pound NBA centre or a 375-pound NFL lineman is, on an absolute basis, probably going to be able to outdrink a normal-sized person. But how would they stack up against other, non-athletic folks with a BMI of 75? My guess: not well. Here's why.

Think about it. Anyone who has made it to the big leagues has, presumably, been honing their craft since the time they were a kid. At some early age, it was discovered they had athletic talent that could take them places. By the time they were in their mid-teens, their lives almost certainly revolved around their sport of choice: games, practices, coaching sessions, training and so on. Sure, every teenager (even the athletically-inclined ones -- in some cases, especially the athletically-inclined ones) has their dalliances in alcohol.

But by the time these soon-to-be pro athletes are funnelled into college / junior leagues, they've been insulated from the "normal" experience of their peers. That "normal" experience consists of all sorts of alcoholic experiementation -- developing a tolerance, learning your limits, figuring out which drinks (and combinations of drinks) agree and disagree with you, etc. While the other folks his age are learning whether or not an Irish car bomb with an ouzo chaser is a good thing (note: it's not), Johnny Sportman is trying (sometimes in vain) to keep his body in top physical and psychological condition.

Sure, even serious college athletes get out for a beer now and again... but once they make the transition to full-time athlete, their lives become regimented. If it's not game day, it's practice day. Or travel day. Or training day. Or several of those in combination. Maybe there's time for a rum and coke here and there, but for the most part, these guys in their early 20s just don't have the time or ability to destroy their liver and futures the way the rest of us do.

Why does any of this matter? It matters because I've heard many different people say, of many different professional athletes, "I'd like to have a beer with that guy." But would you? I mean, when you say you want to "have a beer" with someone, you don't really mean "have a quiet pint of ale and exchange interesting anecdotes", do you? You mean, have a good run of things, get in a nice boozed-up comfort zone and start acting silly. Could you really do this, though?

Who's to say that this guy wouldn't just be face down on the bar by the time you were just getting a good buzz on? It's quite possible. Yeah, there are probably plenty of guys for whom a whsikey sour is a pleasant breakfast beverage... but if you're banking on splitting a case of Lucky Lager with your favourite all-star should the chance ever arise, sorry, you just might be in for some disappointment.

Who's smiling now, A-Rod? Oh, wait... it's still you.

It was the "steroids era", we were told. Before MLB decided to clean up its act a few years ago and bring in stringent regulations on performance-enhancing drugs, the league had supposedly been awash with players "juicing it" in the pursuit of more strength, more home runs, more money. In the wake of this disgraced epoch, we saw one discredited slugger after another have their names associated with some form of steroids: Bonds, Canseco, McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro... the accusations were all met with denials, but the accusations alone were enough to confirm long-held suspicions in some peoples' minds: that everyone in baseball was using some kind of drug to boost their performance.

So why not Alex Rodriguez?

There are, of course, two main differences between A-Rod and the rest of the drug-stained lot: Rodriguez is still an active player, and he has admitted to his transgressions. Not that he's new to absorbing criticism; he's been derided throughout his recent career -- for his astronomical contracts, for his unsporting on-field actions, for his swagger, for his off-field indiscretions. Why not add "roid-monkey" to that list? After all, he's got at least 300 million reasons not to give a shit what any of us think.

But the most worrisome part of this -- for some -- will be that while there may have been faint whispers of impropriety during the epic McGwire/Sosa summer, and while there was plenty of damaging conjecture being hurled in Bonds's direction as he surpassed Hank Aaron's all-time homer mark, any concrete proof of those three men having used 'roids will only have been established after their careers ended, after they had etched their accomplishments into the record book.

On the other hand, we've got the smoking gun on Rodriguez -- he just handed it to us. But he's not about to ride off into an ignominious sunset, no no. In fact, he's scheduled to be at the forefront of baseball for another eight years, during which time we'll likely see him knock out home run #763. If you thought the pomp and circumstance surrounding Bonds's ascension to the top of the round-tripper mountain was subdued, just imagine the muted celebrations that will greet an admitted drug used beating a record formerly held by an assumed user.

None of this looks good for baseball, of course. Most people will jump on A-Rod for this just because they don't like A-Rod, not because they have any compelling moral aversion to his drug use (in reality, most fans seem to have adopted a "we don't give a shit anymore" attitude to the supposedly-bygone "steroid era", a fact Rodriguez must have taken into consideration when formulating his mea culpa). But the argument will rage on: was what he did "wrong"? If everyone else was doing it, could be truly be faulted for going with the flow? And does his admission of his drug use, in fact, entitle him to more generous treatment from fans and the media than Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et. al.?

This is a no-win situation for baseball, and a no-lose situation for Rodriguez. The outing of the 2003 drug-user list (on which A-Rod's name appeared) will only strength the position of those who feel that the league, the players and the media were all complicit in the drug-fuelled, sport-saving mayhem that followed the 1994 strike. Depending on whose names appear on this list, we may be prying open a dangerous Pandora's box, further delegitimizing the sport and potentially destroying the legacies of other well-known players.

All the while, Rodriguez (having washed his hands of the whole thing) can huddle and hide as the dust kicks up all around him, collect his 300 million dollars, break the all-time home run record and, one day, quietly slip into the Hall of Fame when the day comes that the baseball world firmly establishes that there truly were no "cheaters" during the window between 1994 and 2004. Because if everyone is doing it, it can't possibly be wrong... right?

What a wild weekend...

• Of course the first bullet point will be devoted to Super Bowl 43. Hidden within the overblown hype, ridiculous pagaentry and expensive advertisements featuring snack machines and Danica Patrick's muscular shoulders was a treat for us actual football fans: an exciting, entertaining game. Two years in a row? What the hell? Had Kurt Warner actually managed to lead the Cardinals to victory, his place in the Hall of Fame would have been assured; even so, a 377-yard, three-touchdown performance is not too shabby (and actually means the three most prolific QB performances in Super Bowl history, based on passing yards, all belong to Warner). Santonio Holmes seemed intent on making us all forget David Tyree's name (though I assume most already have) with his ludicrous, last-minute, championship-clinching grab, and Mike Tomlin has assured himself at least another decade of job security in Pittsburgh by impressively balancing strong football coaching with his day job as one of the leads on the TV series House. And, of course, despite looking (and usually moving) like a big, goofy prison guard, Ben Roethlisberger now has as many Super Bowl rings as the entire Manning family (including Archie).
• Speaking of fat goofs, it was nice to see BJ Penn get his ass summarily handed to him by Canuckistani Georges St. Pierre at UFC 94. The Hawaiian made "getting taken down and pummeled in the face" into an art form this past Saturday, although his cornermen suggest another reason for his loss: the hand cream rubbed all over GSP's back. Had Penn gotten anywhere near having back control (or for that matter, even being in a position to touch St. Pierre's back) at any point during the fight, the complaint being lodged may have actually mattered. As it is, GSP can look ahead to the anticipated mammoth showdown with Anderson Silva, hopefully at some point this year. Come to think of it... Silva is headlining UFC 97 in April, taking place in Montreal... what better time to make that dream fight official?
• Speaking of dream matchups (I love easy segues)... I don't think Federer/Nadal really qualifies as a "dream matchup" anymore, but it's still impressive to see these two giants of the sport battle it out in a Grand Slam final yet again. My fellow Sportrambler could surely give you more cogent insight on the Aussie Open final than I can (since I'm guessing she stayed up all night to watch it live), but if Wimbledon represented the turning point at which Nadal transitioned from "consistent thorn in Federer's side" to "true contemporary nemesis", then this victory solidifies the transition from "lefty Spaniard who could only win on clay" to "one of the true all-time greats". And he's only 22. God dammit.
• Speaking of all-time greats under the age of 25, Michael Phelps is apparently spending his early 20s in the way most of us did: smoking pot. Yeah, he's got more Olympic gold medals than any of us, but whatever. Phelps will face no disciplinary action from the International Olympic Committee (other than their "disappointment" in him or whatever), and he can thank Ross Rebagliati for that. While some people may be shocked at the Phelps-as-toker news, it really should come as no surprise to anyone who's seen the "Space Olympics" sketch from Saturday Night Live.
• Speaking of, uh, people who have probably used plenty of casual narcotics... if anyone's still questioning whether or not David Beckham is planning to come back to the LA Galaxy when his loan to AC Milan runs out, his inspired play against Lazio over the weekend should confirm that he hopes to remain in Serie A. Of course, Becks doesn't get final say in the matter (MLS does), so he may yet be toiling away in minor-league ballparks across America this summer!
• Speaking of the beautiful game, I feel it's my duty as a Premiership neutral (which actually means "anyone but United") to reiterate that Frank Lampard's sending-off against Liverpool (which altered the course of the game and, potentially, the entire Premiership table) was a completely silly call by referee Mike Riley. The Chelsea fans whose presence I was in during the match employed decidedly more harsh words than "silly".
• Speaking of fans using words decidedly more harsh than "silly" to describe something... the Senators' performance this season, and its inevitable result: the firing of Craig Hartsburg. Again, my fellow Sportambler could likely provide more nuanced insight into how everything has gone so horribly wrong, but as a Leafs fan, I'm obviously much less interested in nuance and insight than I am in childishly gloating at the failure of a rival team. So yes, in case it hasn't been mentioned before: the Sens suck.
• I'm out of cheap segues, so this post is over.
  

Saturday Night Skills

Well it's NHL All-Star Game time again, and I'll admit it's just about the right time for me to see some meaningless hockey and millionaires goofing around like kids again. Even though it's just a sideshow, Hockey Night In Canada is still doing it up like a regular game... although Mike Millbury seems to have missed the memo that you're supposed to have fun at these things ( I mean come on Mike, even Elliotte Friedman was smiling and laughing). The 'real' game goes tomorrow, so Saturday night hockey this week is the SuperSkills.

Fastest Skater
First event in the skills competition... basically a one-lap foot race, with Mason Raymond, Jeff Carter, Brian Campbell, Jay Bouwmeester, Zach Parise and Andrew Cogliano. Some of the guys looked a little tentative heading into the corners, but Raymond nearly pulled a Shean Donovan (spectacular wipeout) heading in, so I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. It looked like Carter was going to win it, but Cogliano pulled a hot lap out as the last skater to win it - for the record, Mike Modano picked him as the winner just before the competition.

'Fan Fave' Breakaway Challenge
This was the event that James Duthie is still trying to take credit for 'inventing,' although after last season's debacle I don't know who would want to lay claim... this year there were some tweaks and it seems to have worked. Instead of having the NHL goalies, they bought in a 21-year-old double A player from West Island (Montreal) to stand in the net. In theory he wasn't supposed to stop the shots, but I guess they forgot to tell the pros that... the NHL's answer to the NBA's slam dunk contest had a fairly predictible cast of shooters - Patrick Kane, Martin St Louis (replacing Sidney Crosby), Alex Kovalev, Ryan Getzlaf, Alexander Ovechkin and Steven Stamkos. I have to admit that I was a bit underwhelmed by the actual tricks the players were trying out, especially since I think only three or four pucks actually ended up in the net. Kovalev and Getzlaf had some cool moves that they just couldn't finish on, but I think they all would have been more successful if they'd gone a bit simpler and actually been able to score. The moment of the competition, and probably the night, was Ovechkin, which shouldn't really come as a surprise. His first few shots were good, but nothing truly spectacular - that's when he got an assist from Evgeni Malkin (of all people) and used a few props to create an instant You Tube classic. After taking a shot, he came right over to the bench where Malkin opened a bag and pulled out a khaki Tilley hat with a Canadian flag sticking up at the side and a pair of big, blinged-out shades. After Ovechkin jammed the hat on, Malkin also gave him a shot of Gatorade - and a second stick for good measure. Ovechkin then took off towards the net with two sticks, stickhandling the puck back and forth between them before ditching the stick in his right hand and taking a shot and banging home the rebound. The move itself was, again, not exactly spectacular, but with the hat and the shades I honestly had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard. It almost goes without saying that Alexander the Great won the fan- and player-voted contest with a whopping 42 percent (Alex Kovalev was second with 19 percent).

Next up, the Young Stars Game - three six-minute periods of three-on-three play with goalies that may as well be cardboard cutouts. There are a lot of really good young players in the league, and about half of these guys I had no idea they were this young... Luc Robataille seems to be thoroughly enjoying himself as one of the 'coaches' of the rookies... Hold the phone! Luke Schenn, future of the Maple Leafs, scored a goal! There's a sight we likely won't see again this year... It's a good thing this doesn't count towards your goals against average, or else Carey Price would be screwed... No backchecking whatsoever, what a shock... Pekka Rinne is actually making some saves... Price is pulling double duty playing in both this game and is the starter for the East in the big boys game tomorrow... Jim Hughson shouldn't speak French, it's not pretty... Kris Versteeg can't play, so he's the official videographer for Blackhawks TV... after the romp, Robataille now thinks coaching is easy... Rookies beat the Sophomores 9-5.

Accuracy Shooting
The good old target shooting, great equalizer between seven-year-olds and the pros, in this case, Dany Heatley, Evgeni Malkin, Marc Savard, Tomas Kaberle, Jonathan Toews, Mike Modano, Ilya Kovalchuk and Jarome Iginla. Scott Oake tried to have Bruins goalie Tim Thomas act as the play-by-play man for Evgeni Malkin's turn, and Jim Hughson and Craig Simpson were less than impressed with their attempts. Malkin and Heatley were tied, so they went to a tiebreaker... Malkin went 3-for-4, and Heatley only hit two, so Malkin takes the trophy.

Hardest Shot
The marquee event, and the one with the most interest around it. This year's big cannons were Zdeno Chara, Mark Streit, Shea Webber, Mike Komisarek, Sheldon Souray and Vincent Lecavalier. A nice twist on the competition this year, was Chara asking to turn it into a charity event (he even wore a Right To Play toque on the ice), and in the end they raised $24,000 to go to the charity of the winner's choice. That turned out to be Big Z, winning it on his last shot over Webber, with a mammoth 105.4 mph (a new record).

Elimination Shootout
Last but certainly not least, a new addition to the skills competition lineup - 36 players were randomly divided into four groups of nine players, with each group facing a different goalie. Pretty simple really: score and you move on, miss and you're out. Facing Nicklas Backstrom were Toews, Parise, Kovalchuck, Heatley, Weber, Savard, Niedermayer, Souray and Marleau; against Henrik Lundqvist were Markov, Lecavalier, Nash, Tkachuk, Chara, Doan, Brown, Robidas and Carter; against J-S Giguere were Vanek, Hejduk, Kaberle, Boyle, Komisarek, Thornton, Iginla, St Louis and Kane; against Tim Thomas were Kovalev, Ovechkin, Staal, Streit, Bouwmeester, Campbell, Modano, Getzlaf and Malkin. One of the best moves of the first round came when Mark Streit tripped over one of the sponsor signs after taking his shot... as a former Montreal player, he heard it from the crowd. Twelve players out of the 36 made it into the second round, and out of that group six moved on. From that six, it was down to Doan, Savard and Hejduk with a final shot to win it. It took five rounds, but Shane Doan won it when Savard was stopped by Lundqvist (Doan also had the cutest cheering section, with his daughter Gracie hugging and high-fiving him at the bench after every goal).

I know most people in the hockey business knock the All-Star weekend, but I really enjoy it, especially the skills contest. It's refreshing to watch guys out there having fun, goofing around, chirping their teammates and/or friends and earning bragging rights.

Wrap-up at the break

Well, it's All-Star Break time, so I may as well spew some of the hockey-related nonsense that's been brewing in my brain in the season's first half.

Shootout silliness: It is unconscionable to me that the NHL brain-trust still thinks it's a good idea to have NHL goalies in the net during the "breakaway challenge" event, or whatever the hell it's called. Last year's inaugural challenge was a complete visual disaster, as the NHL goalies (being professional athletes with pride, after all) actually, y'know, stopped the shots, resulting in a combined total of, I think, zero actual goals scored by all competitors. As a friend of mine said, using all-star NHL goalies for this event is like having Shaq standing there playing defence during the NBA dunk competition.

Why not use AHLers? Or local rent-a-goalies from the city the All-Star Game is being played in? Or, why not have a public contest where one lucky NHL fan gets the chance to play goal during the breakaway challenge? That would be good press for the NHL. Instead, the suits spend all their time worrying about oval-shaped goal posts and all sorts of other needless nonsense. Unbelievable.

No surprises here: As I presciently predicted back in September, the people assuming the Penguins would stroll right back to the top of the Eastern Conference (despite a significantly altered lineup) were fooling themselves. If the playoffs started today, the Pens wouldn't even be in the playoff picture, and unless something changes in their performance in the next two months, they won't be in the picture when it actually arrives. As I said in my previous post, "one big scoring line does not a championship contender make", which brings me to my next point...

The Sens suck: I'm sure my fellow Sportrambler would have a laundry list of excuses as to why the 2008-09 Senators are looking more like the Senators of the mid-90s (in the sense that they're trawling the seabed of the conference standings), but in the end, Ottawa's NHL team is performing very poorly, and regardless of the reasons behind it, that makes me smile.

With no parade to plan, other news is needed: Okay, I'm a Torontonian and a Leafs fan, but believe me, I was just as annoyed as anyone with the Canadian sports media's ridiculous double overkill on the Brian Burke and Mats Sundin stories. Despite near-daily updates from our friends at TSN, Sportsnet, etc., the actual conclusions of these stories have been pretty damn anti-climactic: Captain Mats is, by most accounts, underperforming in Vancouver (and won't even be making the playoffs unless Robery Luongo gets healthy) and Burke (beloved more for his ability to produce a soundbite than to actually build a winning team) has accomplished three things so far: getting rid of a draft pick (yeah, who needs 'em?) for his old pal Brad May; getting rid of promising (to me, at least) prospect Robbie Earl for, hopefully, an equally-promising young man named Ryan Hamilton; and telling the FAN 590 yesterday that if he could make a trade today to get this team into the playoffs this year, he would. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Say hello to the new boss, same as the old boss. So much for that "long-term planning".

To fight or not to fight: The death of Don Sanderson reignited the debate about fighting in hockey, and gave the pro-fighting neanderthals (Don Cherry et. al.) the chance to dredge up their most tired and ridiculous arguments: that fighting in an integral part of the game, that it's part of the player "code" and that, if fighting were eliminated, all of a sudden, everyone would be swinging their sticks at the heads of stars (even though, if I recall correctly, the last such stick-swinging incident took place between Marty McSorley and Donald Brashear, two goons). Is fighting a necessary part of hockey? Is it a necessary outlet for the aggression that gets built up between players as the game goes along? The answer, to anyone with a brain, is no -- and the proof comes in a very identifiable place: the "trenches" in a football game.

If the giant, hulking men in the offensive and defensive lines can put up with the sorts of things that supposedly go on at the bottom of pileups (punches, eye gouges, etc.) and not fight, then NHLers can do it too. Not to mention, 95% of fights in hockey are pre-arranged and non-spontaneous choreographed nonsense perpetrated by two guys whose only job it is to fight. George Parros and Derek Boogaard may be nice guys in real life (actually, that's doubtful), but do they have a place in the NHL? Now, maybe. In the future? Probably not.

Recipe for success: Take one sports-crazy Original Six city. Add two young, heavily-marketed offensive stars to headline an already-impressive crop of budding talent. Subtract (via death) a widely-criticized team owner whose inexplicably asinine policy of imposing a local TV blackout on virtually all home games likely did as much to hurt the team's popularity as their years of futility did. Mix ingredients together and wait eight months. If prepared properly, the recipe serves about 22,000 rabid Chicago hockey fans per night during a long playoff run.

That's about it for now, so let's all just kick back and enjoy a bunch of pro players breezing around the ice at half-capacity as an arena full of drunk Montrealers goes nuts at their every move.

Is there really no loyalty anymore?

Call me old-fashioned ("you're old-fashioned"), but to me, there's a definite romantic quality about a top-flight player spending a long, successful career with one team. Of course, it rarely (if ever) happens anymore, so when it does happen, it provides a nice, fleeting glimpse into a bygone era.

So it was disheartening to me to learn that John Smoltz is apparently going to become a member of the Red Sox. Not just because it's another quality player entering the AL East (though at this point, the Blue Jays are destined to battle the Orioles for last place anyway) but because the 41-year-old had spent his entire 20-year career with Atlanta but now will, presumably, finish it off in Boston.

Sure, the Braves have fallen on hard times, but is there anything Smoltz didn't already accomplish as a member of that team? Fourteen division titles, five World Series appearances and one World Series victory, not to mention a Cy Young Award in 1996. This is not a Ray Bourque situation, where a beloved veteran leaves a long-suffering team for his one last shot at a championship. Sure, the Red Sox are a hell of a lot more likely to win the World Series in 2009 than the Braves are, but is that what's motivating Smoltz, a man who's already got a ring?

Maybe not, according to Buster Olney at ESPN.com. According to Olney, Smoltz may have felt slighted by the $2.5 million difference between the offers tendered by Atlanta and Boston for next year. It's doubtful that money is the issue; Smoltz has banked tens of millions of dollars over his career (all courtesy of the Braves), and one can only assume he knows that while the Red Sox have a perpetual bottomless pit of roster cash, the Braves are at the point where their resources should be focused on youth.

No, Olney argues that it's more a matter of Smoltz's pride: "it is evident that Smoltz perceives doubts about him coming from the Braves -- doubts which, in his mind, were likely underscored by the difference in the offers from Atlanta and the Red Sox." I dunno, how many almost-42-year-old professional athletes do you know who would consider $3 million from the only team they've ever known as a slap in the face? If Olney is accurate, then you can apparently include John Smoltz on that list.

There are obviously factors at play here that I will never be fully familiar with, so it's not completely fair to pass judgment about Smoltz's decision. But then, that's never stopped me before. It's unfortunate that the future Hall of Famer will likely play his final "home" game not in front of the fans who've supported him and given him a livelihood for two decades, but in front of the rabble at Fenway Park, who'll chew him up and spit him out like any other free-agent signing if he doesn't perform up to snuff.

What if Smoltz doesn't perform the way he thinks he still can? Will he get the same sort of breaks from Boston fans as we would from Atlanta fans? Unlikely. Not that a guy making $5.5 million a year to throw a ball needs coddling... but then, as I said, this post is not meant so much a berating of John Smoltz as it is a lament for a time (and, apparently, a mindset) gone by, when the logo on the front of a player's jersey might have represented more than who was signing the paycheques.

Insight from a MSN username. Yes, it's true.

The other day, my brother's MSN status read roughly as follows: "Jays are shit, Raps are shit, Leafs are shit, Argos are shit, TFC are shit. Not a good time to be a fan of anything in TO." Now, in fairness, the Toronto Rock might be doing OK (or maybe not, I have no idea), but the point was made pretty clearly: Toronto has somehow degenerated into one of those "sad sack" pro sports cities. You know, kind of like Cleveland, or Philadelphia before this year's World Series.

How did this happen? Well, let's break it down:

Jays: Seven years ago, a "genius GM" was brought in, to much fanfare, supposedly with a solid plan in place to bring the team to glory. While J.P. Ricciardi may have been a legit Moneyballer with a concrete "five-year plan" at one point, he's devolved into a largely-unloved waiver-wire-plucker. Plus, y'know, the Yanks and Red Sox have bottomless pockets, and the Rays have all of a sudden decided to be good (a decade of #1 draft picks will do that). Ricciardi and the team have, in many ways, been victims of circumstances; however, barring a large variety of highly unlikely events taking place simultaneously, these boys will sadly be mired in mediocrity for the foreseeable future.

Raps: Three years ago, a "genius GM" was brought in, to much fanfare, supposedly with a solid plan in place to bring the team to glory. And when Bryan Colangelo began assembling his team, pulling together the squad from disparate places and creating a whole that may have been more than the sum of its parts, things were looking pretty good. But then, y'know, VC decided to come back and screw us again. Now, the team is sputtering, Jermaine O'Neal is (surprise!) on and off the disabled list, CB4 is coming into his prime (meaning he's gone when he comes up for free agency) and, all of a sudden, things don't look so rosy. In fairness, the Celtics showed us that worst-to-first is definitely attainable in the NBA, but I don't think Raptors fans (a group in which I don't claim membership) can really expect one or the other in the short-term.

Leafs: Well, no analysis needed here. 40 years of mismanagement lead to a franchise that more resembled a clogged drain than a competitive hockey team. But then -- stop me if you've heard this before -- a few months ago, a "genius GM" was brought in, to much fanfare... yeah, you get it. Will Burke be the revolutionary force needed to turn the franchise around? That's yet to be seen. His credentials have been overblown by a Canadian sports media that loves him for his ability to produce good sound bites. But the team is actually full of youngsters (though no overwhelming standouts) and seems to be playing positive hockey. Should we plan the parade route yet? No, that's still quite a few years off, folks.

Argos: Yeah, they stunk this year. Badly. The ridiculous QB controversy, combined with the utter implosion of the team's once-vaunted defence, combined with Don Matthews ignominiously returning to the CFL and accomplishing nothing but adding eight losses to his lifetime record, lead to one clunker of a campaign. Never fear though, fellow Argo faithful: it's the CFL. We've still got a 75% chance of making the playoffs next year, no matter what happens.

TFC: Well, you can't expect much more from a franchise that's only played two seasons. The TFC diehards seem to have a ridiculous notion in their heads that, because they wear red, sing songs and make a big deal of themselves at home matches, somehow they're "owed" a winning team, as if such a thing can just be created out of thin air overnight. The TFC suits seem to be trying, though: signing hometown boy Dwayne DeRosario and, it's expected, readying to announce a high-profile designated player this offseason. Mo Johnston seems to be going for the gusto in season three. And hey, much like the CFL, it doesn't take much to reach the playoffs in the MLS: if the interminably average New York Red Bulls could reach the just-past MLS Cup, there's no reason TFC can't make a run at it in 2009.

So, are things hopelessly dire in Toronto? Well, depends on who you follow. But it's safe to say that, if there is ever destined to be a moment in time when Toronto is a multi-sport powerhouse, carrying impressive dynasties across several professional leagues... that moment won't happen for quite a while. Yeah, everything's not completely bleak going into 2009 but, well, don't get your hopes up too high.

Just relish the small victories... like the good possibility that the Buds finish higher in the standings than the Sens.

Do Zambonis need rearview mirrors?

The NHL Winter Classic in Chicago is just under two weeks away, so naturally work has already started to get Wrigley Field ready in time for the game. The crucial pieces needed to transform a baseball diamond into a hockey rink obviously include the ice-making equipment, which arrived in Chicago earlier this week, and the Zamboni. It made quite an entrance, which the local NBC channel caught, and the wonder of the internet has now preserved it for all to see.

Mats Sundin FINALLY makes a deal

The longest-running soap opera of the 2008 NHL year is finally over! Not that it really matters to me, but Mats Sundin signed a one-year deal with the Vancouver Canucks, just hours short of the NHL 'holiday' roster freeze. Not to worry drama fans, James Duthie, Bob McKenzie, Pierre McGuire, Darren Dreger, Nick Kypreos, Darren Millard, Scott Morrison, Mike Millbury and all the other hockey pundits will still have plenty of time to speculate on things, since Sundin won't join the Canucks until at least December 27 when the aforementioned roster freeze expires.

While he was reportedly waffling between the Canucks and the New York Rangers, it was likely never much of a choice - Vancouver was always offering a two-year, $20 million/one-year, $10 million deal, while New York was giving numbers closer to $5 million a year. The Canucks could also have added Sundin at any time, while the Rangers would have to clear up salary cap space and, presumably, free up a roster spot and some ice time as well.

Good for the Canucks, glad to see you get some more scoring. Glad he's not coming back to the East, specifically the Northeast. Most importantly, IT'S OVER!

If at first you don't succeed, try six more times between now and 2012...

So, is anyone surprised?

Is anyone surprised that the insanely-overpriced tickets for the Bills/Dolphins game at the SkyDome didn't sell out? That the corporate consortium behind the shit-show was forced to paper the joint and lie about it being a sell-out to avoid the game being blacked out on TV?

Or that, when the seats weren't gapingly empty, they were, for the most part, filled with the sort of dilettante, disinterested, "I'm just here for the experience", non-hardcore fans who clog up the platinum seats at every Maple Leafs home game? Or that Bills fans didn't, in fact, make the trip up from Buffalo to watch a "home" game that had been turned into, at best, a neutral site and, at worst, a total advantage for the "visiting" Dolphins, both in terms of fan support and weather conditions?

And is anyone really surprised that the game itself was a stinker, considering J.P. Losman was the starting QB on one side, and on the other, you had a team that, despite surprising success this year, did go 1-15 last season?

Well, if you are surprised by any of that, you're either an idiot, or a self-delusional employee of a certain telecommunications company whose owner died last week, or both. So, what were the surprises?

I was surprised to learn that the fans in attendance took it upon themselves to drown out Canadian anthem singer Kreesha Turner with their own rousing version of "O Canada". Not just because it involved normally docile Toronto sports fans actually making noise other than when explicitly instructed to by flashing images on a jumbo-tron, but because I'm sure that most of these allegedly patriotic Canadians would have no problem seeing the CFL disappear to accommodate the incursion of the southern four-down game.

I was surprised that not all of the players were in full spin mode afterwards, with Losman explicitly saying that the game didn't feel like a home game, and that the fans sucked. Both true statements, but you usually expect athletes (especially in the "No Fun League") to toe the company line and accept anything the higher-ups do as the greatest idea ever. Not today. Not after a bad performance and de facto elimination from playoff contention. I wonder if the guys in charge of the "Bills in Toronto" series expected the quarterback of the alleged "home" team to take time in the press conference following the first regular season game in Canada to mention the shittiness of the venue and the fans. Probably not.

I was surprised by Ricky Williams's long-term memory, in the sense that he remembers that he did play for the Argos two years ago. I was less surprised by his candor, but pleasantly surprised that said candor included a warning that while one or two NFL games a year in Toronto would be OK as a novelty, bringing a team here full-time could hurt the Argos, which would be bad. Damn that guy must be fun to get stoned with.

The word "disaster" and other such exaggerations have been used to describe the game. That may be a tad much. But I am in fact pleased to see this ridiculous experiment blow up in the faces of the corporate morons who so horribly misjudged this marketplace, and am feeling a lot less fatalistic about the potential of the NFL to trample over our one true national sports league. But then again, a lot can change between now and 2012. Let's just hope it doesn't.

Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote Blackhawks

While I'm generally not one for useless crap that gets posted online (I know, I sound much older and curmudgeonlier than my 23 years), I have to say I'm a fan of the celebrity athlete faux-campaign video trend. It started last year with this gem from Chris Bosh from your Toronto Raptors, trying to get voted to the All-Star Game in New Orleans. This year, however, the ante has been upped, at least in the NHL by the Chicago Blackhawks. This season Brian Campbell, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are all on the ballot for the 2009 All-Star Game in Montreal. In an effort to be voted to the starting lineup, all three have election campaign-style videos now on YouTube telling you why they should be in Montreal. Not as good as the Bosh original, but definetly worth watching.

Another Day, Another Idiot

Sean Avery is a joke.

With an opening line like that, most of you can guess where this is headed - if not, I'll recap: Ahead of the Dallas Stars-Calgary Flames game yesterday, word broke on the early evening sports newscasts about the Stars own village idiot Sean Avery's latest antics. The spotlight had been on Avery anyways because this was his first game against the Flames and Jarome Iginla, who Avery called "boring" in an interview back in the fall. Knowing he had everyone's attention, Avery asked Jermaine Franklin, TSN's Calgary reporter, and his cameraman if he could make some comments for them. With an audience of reporters around him and the camera rolling, Avery proceeded to say "I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

When I first saw the clip on Off The Record last night, I was just plain shocked at what I heard and, to be honest, considered not even writing anything about it. Sean Avery is one of those childish people who wants any attention he can get, and initially I didn't want to give him any more play than he's already recieved. But this is something that just makes my head spin. This classless oaf has gone beyond trying to stir the pot and was just plain rude. To me, the worst part of the whole situation was the obvious pre-meditation of the remarks and manipulation of the situation - James Duthie on TSN said it looked and sounded like a bad stand-up comedian delivering a bad joke - to say something publicly that, if it has to be said at all, should have stayed with all the other rude trash talk on the ice. I know players say shit like that all the time, especially players like Avery who are trying to throw other guys off their game, but most have even just the shred of class necessary to keep it on the ice and not start running their mouths off in public.

As for the League's suspension, I agree with booting him from the team until he can meet with Gary Bettman and Colin Campbell. This is what I would consider "conduct detrimental to the team," to use NFL terms, and something that needs to have an example made of. I don't, however, necessarily think he should be suspended beyond whenever his meeting is, because presumably he will have missed two or three games by then anyways. In my mind, this is behaviour that the League needs to call out, but beyond that they should let the Stars deal with it within the organization. I'm sure some owners would say 'all press is good press' and let him go right back to playing, but Tom Hicks, the Stars owner, sounds mighty pissed about the whole thing and will, I'm guessing, deal with it in his own way.

Some other opinions on the matter include:

• Jeff Marek from Hockey Night in Canada who says that while he's defended Avery before, this one is offside, even for someone like him who likes to see some characters in the game. I also found myself agreeing with his other main point, which was that while comments need to be kept above board, it shouldn't discourage players from hockey-related yapping because they have to worry about the League taking it the wrong way and suspending them.
• Brett Hull, co-GM of the Dallas Stars on The Fan 590's HockeyCentral at Noon discussing the... situation.
• Sportsnet'sEvanka Osmak has a different take, which actually really surprised me - she basically says that since what gets said on the ice is probably worse, he doesn't deserve to be taken to task for this idiocy.
• Damien Cox from the Toronto Star made the front page of ESPN.com with his take.
• The NHL on TSN pannel had their say during the Montreal-Atlanta broadcast last night, and within that story there are a handful of video clips, including Avery's teammates' take on the matter and Jermaine Franklin's original story.
• One of many American-based gossip sites, The Superficial

Even though Avery should get his day with the Comish later this week, this is something that won't die down quietly. Sean, I understand that you want to be unique and stand out from all the other NHL puppets that just spout the party line whenever there's a microphone in front of them, but you've gone too far this time. If I didn't already think so little of you, I'd wish you luck next time you meet up with Dion Phaneuf or Jarret Stoll, or any other of your "sloppy seconds" current boyfriends.